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2018 5th Place Game Naming Tournament-Opening Eight
Introduction Come one. Come all. Cum on everybody (Get down tonight). It's the Opening Eight of our 20-name tournament bracket! I had the bracket randomly generate to ensure the utmost fairness and this could be our most competitive tourney yet. Don't let the Opening Eight names fool you... This year the crew has stepped up the wit, stepped up the humor, stepped up the butt jokes. We're all getting progressively smarter, more jaded, and more disgusting. It's true what they say about how our tastes get more sophisticated as we age. Younger versions of us wouldn't have understood the finesse of a name like "the Ass Eatin'Ship," one of the names in the opening eight. Our palettes just weren't developed enough. Off-Season Standings Jared and Chan both get extra points for paying their dues (450 for momma, 400 for Chan). Chris's team is holding out for a new contract, which is ironic because the longer they hold out the worse their chances are of playing for free. For their sake I hope the holdout ends soon. I'd hate to have to replace Pain Train WOO WOO with another butt fucker. Two butt fuckers in this league would give "pain train" a whole new meaning. Tournament Scoring The standard tourney scoring applies, but with a twist. Nothing pleases me more than people talking shit before the season begins. My favorite weekly feud is between Paddock 9 and Pain Train. Who choked more? Pain Train, who dropped the 3rd highest score in LOC history in the quarterfinals and then dropped a dud in the semis? Or Paddock 9, who spent all season talking shit and even narrated our hype video before getting curb-stomped by Pain Train and finishing 5th for the 2nd-straight year? WHO CAN SAY FOR SURE? Anyway, the usual weekly trash talk (emphasis on trash in the case of these two) turned into a debate on who will have the funnier names in the tournament. Well, put your off-season points where your mouth is. Along with voting for the opening eight names, there is a ranking section of the poll. Rank who you think is funniest vs. who you think is lamest. The higher the ranking, the better you think that person is going to do with their names. I'll take the average ranking of each person and create a multiplier for that person. Confused? Fuck you, pay attention. So if you think Nate is the funniest person in the league and his name will probably win, rank him a 1. That way if his name wins, he only has a 1 multiplier. If you think Commish is the least funniest, rank him a 10. Hopefully he gets bounced in the first round. 0x10 is still zero (humble brag central, I can do math). But bad news. If Commish wins, and his multiplier is ten, he gets 10 times the points. 10x1000 is 10,000 ('sup). So you better be right about who you think sucks at naming things. The Opening Eight Without further adieu, here are the names randomly selected to play in the Opening Eight. The Battle of Mediocrity vs. The Ass Eatin'Ship Promise me that when we're all 100 years old, sipping ouzo on our private yacht because one of us hit the lottery and was very kind and shared with the class, promise me that we will still look back fondly on the days when "The Ass Eatin'Ship" was a heavy favorite to come out of the first round of our fantasy football game-naming tournament. In fact, promise me that the yacht is named "The Ass Eatin'Ship." So on the one hand we have "The Battle of Mediocrity." A common theme this year is averageness. Many of us have been average for far too long. Nate jokes about always finishing 2nd. Pat lays claim to being the 5th place king. Myself, I've now lost the Salty Dolphin Bowl three years in a row. The winner of this game continues that battle to escape from mediocrity. On the other hand we have "The Ass Eatin'Ship." Now, you might be asking yourself, what exactly are we trying to say here? Is it that these two teams eat ass? Is it that the winner gets rewarded by getting to eat an ass? Whose ass? Is it Margot Robbie's ass or are we talking an elephant ass? Is this a game to decide who eats the most ass, the best ass, the worse ass, the least ass? One ass, two ass, green ass, blue ass? Or are we getting symbolic? Eating ass as a metaphor? Your team is akin to the act of getting a fork and knife and eating the innards of a donkey. Hard to say but this name does have an X factor. Rhode Island Roundnet Presents: The 5th Place Game vs. Paddock's Prerogative Game Will the 5th place game be the first sponsored bowl game in the League of Champions? Are we letting advertisers vulture the sanctity of the sport? Next thing you know it'll be the Verizon Fios Festival of Champions. Pepto Bismol's Heart and Soul Bowl. Got Heart Burn? Have some Pepto, with a side of Soul. Who is to say if this will help or hurt the league. Maybe RI Roundnet will contribute to the Commish Relief Fund? You know, the fund where all proceeds go to reimbursing Commish for buying Shotti a new trophy every year. Then we Have Paddock's Prerogative Game. I'm all for alliteration. See, I just did it there. I'm a big fan. A fanatic. I can't get enough of the stuff. Why have bears when you can have bouncing bears? Why have football when you can have fantasy football. And why have Paddock's Game when you can have Paddock's Prerogative Game? Hm, now that I say it out loud Paddock's Game does come off the tongue a little easier. Well, who cares. Alliterations all day, babay (did an alliteration and a rhyme there also wrote a poetry book www.mattdigennaro.com new book soon come). The Equator Bowl vs. This Counts as a Playoff Win The Equator Bowl. Really hot down there. This gives me a good opportunity to talk to you guys about the effects of global warming. Rising temperatures change the acidity of water which kills off coral reefs which in turn takes away oxygen-producing species from the water which means less oxygen which means more pollution which means less oxygen which means I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE OH MY GOD WHY? WHY DID WE PICK THIS NAME? NOW WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! So obviously Equator Bowl refers to this game being between the two middle-of-the-pack teams of the year. And the other name, This Counts as a Playoff Win, seems to be a direct shot at Paddock 9, who always gloats that he has a good post-season record. It's true, Paddock 9 does have a good "post-season" record. This is because he cleaned up in the four years that he played in the Consolation Tournament. He has never won a Festival of Champions game but is 3-0 in 5th place games. Yikes. But hey, This Counts as a Playoff Win. Like a basket in the WNBA. Or a tree falling in the woods that no one hears. I Plead the Fiiifff vs. The Inconsequenbowl Normally I'm suspicious of any word I have trouble spelling, which means I'm also suspicious of my team name for the last four years. But Inconsequenbowl is a powerhouse in the opening eight. It sounds like inconsequential, but -tial is replaced with -bowl, you see? So it's like it's a bowl game, but it's also a new word that we made just for this. It's clever. Very clever. Almost too clever...I'm back to being suspicious. I Plead the Fiiifff is a Chappelle Show reference for the ages. When someone pleads the fif, they are choosing not to answer a question or provide any information that may incriminate him/her. If somone asks you how you did in fantasy this year, you can just say "I Plead the Fif" and they'll know you finished 5th or 6th. It's another very witty deep dive of a name that could easily be introduced into our league lingo and is perfect for battle with Inconsequenbowl. I just wish both of these could survive. Sadly, we now say goodbye to one. VOTE/VOTE/VOTE Time to vote. Remember, you can only vote once. Your vote will remain anonymous to everyone but me. And your name submissions will stay anonymous until the end of the tourney. 5 votes gets your name to the Sweet Sixteen, where 12 more names will enter the fold in the coming days. VOTE HERE. 6/5/18